Flirting Master
by pingo1387
Summary: Sanji attempts to teach Zoro how to flirt to win over Luffy. The results aren't surprising. ZoLu, one-shot.


**For innocentcinnamonbun :3**

* * *

Zoro entered the kitchen, where Sanji was getting out ingredients for some kind of chili. He quietly shut the door behind him.

"Dinner's not going to be ready for two hours, and I'm not letting you near the booze at this time of day," Sanji said without even looking up.

"I'm not here for food," Zoro snapped. "I need your help."

Sanji looked up, freezing in the act of peeling a banana. "You . . . need _my_ help."

"You deaf or something?"

"I never thought this day would come," Sanji exclaimed gleefully. " _You're_ asking for _my_ help!"

"Will you help me or not?"

"Get on your knees and beg, and I might," Sanji said, turning away to finish peeling the banana.

"Well, I should've known you were useless," Zoro muttered, turning away. "I'll just go ask Robin. She'd be happy to help me."

"Hold it right there."

Zoro turned back to see Sanji suddenly glowering.

"Alright, forget the prostrating," Sanji muttered. "What do you need help with, anyway?"

Zoro glanced away and crossed his arms, shifting his weight.

"Out with it."

"Flirting."

Sanji stared at him.

"Come again?"

"I don't know how to flirt," Zoro admitted. "And I figure you've had more practice, considering you're such a skirt-chaser—"

"Hey—"

"So . . . I need your help."

Sanji narrowed his eyes.

"Listen here," he said dangerously, "if you're going after Nami- _san_ or Robin- _chan_ —I'll be frank with you, I don't think you're good enough for them, but if one of them loves you back, I swear to all the gods if you don't treat her right—"

"This—isn't about either of them," Zoro said awkwardly.

"Oh, good," Sanji said. "Then who?"

Zoro bit his lip and looked away.

"I'm not helping unless you say—"

"Luffy."

Sanji stared at him.

"It's for Luffy," Zoro muttered, so quiet now Sanji had to strain to hear him.

"Oh."

A moment of silence.

Sanji snickered. "That's kinda cute."

"Shut your mouth—"

"Alright, I'll help," Sanji said. "What're you thinking? Pickup lines?"

Zoro nodded.

"This one suits you," Sanji said. "'Do you have a map? Because I'm lost in your eyes.'"

Zoro glowered. "What, do I repeat that?"

"Sure. Pretend I'm Luffy." Sanji cleared his throat. "'Hi, Zoro! This is Luffy!'"

"Don't do the voice!" Zoro snapped. He took a deep breath. "Okay, what was it . . . ? Uh . . . 'I'm not lost—' I mean, 'I'm lost in your eyes, I need a nap—'" He frowned. "I mean, 'map—'"

"Okay, let's try another one," Sanji said. "'Does your face hurt? Because it's sure hurting me.'"

Zoro hesitated. "Uh . . . what?"

"That one was for you, not Luffy. Try this: 'Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?'"

Zoro frowned. "Okay, uh . . . 'Does your face hurt when you fell from heaven?'" He paused. "That's not right, is it?"

"Don't combine them! Try to come up with one of your own if you can't repeat someone's words!"

Zoro hesitated. "'You're really hot.'"

Sanji stared at him.

"I can't do this, okay?!" Zoro yelled. "I can't look at you and see Luffy! I can only see _your_ face! This is too weird!"

"So you just admitted I'm hot?"

Zoro promptly ran out of the room. Sanji heard violent retching from outside.

"Well, _that_ was rude," he said as Zoro came back in, pale-faced from emptying his stomach.

"Remind me to commit _seppuku_ if I ever compliment you," he muttered, coughing.

"I'll do that regardless. So, back to the lesson . . ."

Zoro folded his arms.

"'What's on the menu? Me-n-u.'" Sanji looked at him expectantly.

Zoro hesitated. "'What's on the menu?'" he repeated, deliberately looking away from Sanji and picturing Luffy. "'M-n-enu—' that's not right . . ."

"I give up," Sanji said. "You're hopeless. You'll never learn."

"Fine," Zoro snapped. "If you're such a shitty teacher, I'll just go out and do this myself."

He promptly strode out of the kitchen. From outside, Sanji heard, "Luffy! You're really hot and I like you a lot! Will you date me?"

Silence. Sanji quietly waited.

"Okay!"

Sanji slipped on the floor and fell down, too surprised to keep his balance.

* * *

"Well—great!" Zoro exclaimed, grinning. "That's settled! I'll be inside!"

He promptly went below deck.

"What the hell just happened?" Usopp said, sitting next to Luffy. They had been in the middle of fishing when Zoro had abruptly interrupted them.

"I guess Zoro and I are boyfriends now," Luffy said cheerfully.

"You like him?!"

"Well, yeah," Luffy said matter-of-factly.

"Did I just hear Zoro ask you out?" Nami demanded, coming around the corner.

"Yeah!"

Nami muttered something about blackmail pictures and left.


End file.
